Today in spite of the doctor’s suggestion, I decided not to rest very much. Resting makes me depressed. I decided to rest minimally and sort of just barge ahead with my life. It really did work mentally. I am not really sure if I learned another form of optimism or denial. Probably a little bit of both.
In any case, that is most of my story for tonight. I did start moving towards finding an agent for writing. That is the part I always get stuck on – even remotely trying to sell my writing.
I also felt very vulnerable today in certain relationships. Vulnerable enough that I could not stand to listen to certain voices. It just made me afraid. I did take the positive step of being in touch with both of my counselors today. Yes, it takes more than one person to help me. It takes a whole community to heal a wounded woman. Sometimes I feel sorry for the community.
This version of rock bottom has been a really humbling experience. Odd how we have to often make a complete disaster of our lives before we decide to change. At least I do. Being really upset at how my life has once again come to a disaster before I was willing to change is what inspired me to put my chin up today and be positive. Might as well take the scraps life has handed me and make something of it. Or if I was going to state that more honestly, might as well take the scraps that I have left myself with and make something with it. One of these days I am going to get it right if only for a second. Nah, I will probably get to heaven first. Until then, I will die trying (all puns intended!).
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11
And I nearly forgot to say today I decided to refollow Jesus. It really has been worth it all. Rice and beans and all.
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