Today is such a celebration. Almost every single part of it was. It started with breakfast with a lovely friend, which was very lovely. Then I got to church super early because of the breakfast and decided to do some computer work, so I went and found an empty room upstairs and did just that for quite a while, but that is not the amazing part. The amazing part is that it felt really safe. I thought about how I should just do it every week this way. It would be a good place to be and do this.
But then the second service ended, and I went downstairs for the third service. It was so weird because I felt safe in the sanctuary (or gym, however, you want to look at it.) So things are really looking up in my life if I have made it to having a church feel like my safe place. I reckon back in the day when I was first saved before I began working through all my pain, churches were not necessarily not my safe place. But they definitely have not been for the last two years. Been a long time.
Then tonight I was with people, and I just made one of those random commentary on life comments that I tend to make if you get to know me. I said something like “I really enjoy my life.” So someone asked me to expand on the comment, but on the way home I was thinking about how it is so incredibly true. I could not dream this big for my life. There are a lot of things I am doing now that I knew I was stepping into over the last few years, but I still do not think I could have dreamt this big because I never understood I could actually enjoy myself. I never knew there was a point where my insides would not be in pain. I thought I would always live that way even if all my communication problems with men (and women, I suppose) were fixed. I did not know the pain part went away. I could not dream as big as how amazing my life is.
I still struggle coming away from social situations though. All the voices in my head from my past telling me everything wrong and bad about me. I wonder what God thinks about me.
You know at some point this week I was thinking about the fruit of the Spirit. Probably because I was reading Galatians. I never really thought about joy being an attribute of God before. I mean if His Spirit produces it as fruit. He must be made of it. I mean apples trees get apples not grapes. Just thinking of God as being joyful is changing my life. On some level, I have engaged Him being all the other fruit of the Spirit, but honestly, I think I had only ever thought of Him as telling us to be joyful 800 times not being joyful Himself. Him being joyful makes me much less afraid of everything. I have been wondering what He does when He is joyful. I wonder if He is always joyful. Probably. Like has joy even when He is crying. Okay, I am done now.
How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me! – Psalm 139:17-18
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! – Galatians 5:22-23
Then Jesus wept. – John 11:35
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