I Long to Forgive
I want to forgive. Some people think I have. Some people think I handled things pretty well. Some people think I should be much angrier. Some think I should take revenge. Some don’t even understand why I am hurt. But what does it matter what people think? I just want to forgive and have my heart once again contain only love.
That anger, resentment, and derision is a heavy weight to drag through life. When I prayed about it the other day, I saw it as a heavy block of cement that I was pulling along. It was a block big enough to weigh several times my own weight. Anger is heavy. Derision and resentment are slow poisons.
Forgiving seems impossible. I wish it was something I could just force myself to do.
It doesn’t seem possible.
It would be easier to pick up my PR in the gym tomorrow.
I won’t be doing that either.
I want that nice veneer on the outside to not cover contempt. Why can’t I feel compassion for this person?
A few weeks ago, I realized just how much I despise them. Since then, my heart has been softening. I wouldn’t describe that person in quite as harsh a way as I did only two weeks ago.
I have been begging God to help me with this. I don’t want to be tied to that block of concrete.
Maybe it is like picking up my PR in the gym. Not possible tomorrow; but if I keep working my “compassion muscles” out, maybe in time I will love this person. Maybe in time forgiveness will be complete.
“Because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’” (Hebrews 13:5)
My heart is tied to God’s. I have the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16). I can forgive.
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Hey – I recently dealt with something similar, where I was extremely angry at someone who hurt someone I loved, and it was an incredible burden inside of me. I would pray about it, asking God to take away to anger, but it would flare up over and over. Eventually, it because clear to me that the only way to move forwards towards forgiveness was for me to call this person and have the hard conversation, telling them how angry I was and talking it out. I don’t know if this is helpful to your situation at all – but maybe God is telling you there are more steps to go before you can be at the forgiveness stage, maybe he has forgiveness waiting for you but it’s not time yet, there is still a challenging conversation ahead for you to grow from first. Hope this helps! Also – love seeing your WY pictures – I’ve never been out west before so it’s like a foreign land to me!