Tears of Gratitude and Regret
Have you ever had that feeling where your heart is so full it could burst? The last few days I felt like crying not because I am sad but because I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am so grateful for many things.
It’s little things like the groceries I just bought, the vacuum that just cleaned my carpets, or the card I received from children in New Jersey. Big things like my three coworkers who wore huge smiles when I briefly stopped by work today, a dentist who gave me the best visit to a dentist I have had in my life today, or the burst of creative energy I had in the last week. I am grateful for the last few months of working in a police department (and then quitting) and the recovery group I visited the last few weeks. Can anything inspire gratitude in one’s soul more than remembering the long journey of recovery and healing God has led them on?
A few days ago, I stepped into an empty weight room and was struck by the thought that such a thing was a little piece of heaven on earth. As I finished my workout, I thought about what my life goals were and realized the only SMART goals I have right now are related to the gym. How small have my dreams become?
It hit me in these last few weeks how much I left my dreams be robbed by a few people who hurt me deeply. At 24 years old, I was a director at a non-profit. Thirteen years later I apply for entry level positions and make less money per hour than I did when I was 22. One of the reasons is because I keep choosing relationship over money. Another is I apply for entry level positions. I left my confidence be shattered by people who had no right to destroy it.
Don’t get me wrong, I am INCREDIBLY excited about the entry level position I started last week. At this moment in time, I would definitely rather be on the front lines helping people than behind a desk telling people how to help people. Climbing ladders comes with a price.
Nonetheless, I’d like my confidence back. I’d like to be brave enough to take risks. I’d like to follow a dream and make a goal (bigger than hitting PRs in the gym). I’d like to use my Master’s degree to make a positive impact on the world, and I’d sure as heaven like to finish the novel I am working on and have it published far and wide.
Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to get my confidence back, shoot for the stars, and land on the moon. Maybe…by